Dear Me, I’m Sorry…

The past few years have been rough. I’ve dealt with financial losses, a physical condition that severely limited my energy and health, and personal hurts that made me want to hide from most people, and I had to deal with all of these at the same time. To say the least… it was hell.

It was all I could do to survive — to just get through. I couldn’t think about prospering or succeeding, I just wanted to get through the mess that had become my life.

Finally, things started to get back to normal (whatever that is,) and I was getting back into the groove of my life, but something felt out of whack. Even though I had stepped outside my comfort zone to start a new venture, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing. Then just the other day I had an epiphany and realized what was missing in my life… it was me!

I had been a bull-by-the-horns kind of gal. I didn’t take shit from anybody and at times I could even be a bull in a china shop plowing my way through whatever it was that got in my way… but going through all that I’d been through in a relatively short amount of time had taken away more than the tangible things I’d lost; it changed who I was. I was no longer that fire-brand who didn’t let anything or anyone get in her way. I was no longer fierce and bodacious. I had become a smaller, meeker version of myself, and I realized, I didn’t like me anymore. I was not living, I was merely surviving.

I realized I had subconsciously been keeping myself small. After losing so much, I figured if I didn’t ask for too much, I might have a better chance of getting some small slice of life than the huge chunk I had previously carved out for myself. I rationalized that if I didn’t put myself out there, the chances were pretty good that I wouldn’t suffer additional hurts and losses. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. In keeping myself small, I kept myself from living.

Dear me, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I gave up trying to accomplish my goals, and instead settled for less than I deserved. I’m sorry I let the way some people had treated me infect how I believed everyone else would treat me. I’m sorry I only asked for what I needed to get by and not all that I wanted. Dear me, I’m sorry.

I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve all the world has to offer. I deserve to have all my dreams realized and goals accomplished. I deserve to think bigger, and then bigger again, and even bigger than that, and then allow the Universe to rain down joy and abundance in my life.

Dear me, I’m sorry I wasted precious time on people and things that don’t matter. I’m sorry I took one moment of life for granted. I’m sorry I was too scared to live life large.

Dear me… I will no longer stay small to stay safe. There is no safe. I will no longer avoid people to avoid being hurt. People are cruel and do cruel things, but their numbers are far fewer than the kind and caring people in this world. I know things don’t always work out, but they will always be exciting! I know there will be losses, but they will be offset by amazing gains and appreciation along the way. I now remember that there will also be joy. There will be amazing adventures. There will be successes and there will most certainly be love.

It’s time to stop living small. It’s time to dream bigger than you ever have before and not stop until all of your dreams have come true. It’s time to live! Dear me, you’re welcome!